My Daughter Hates Me
This is one of the most searched for terms on the internet which in itself is heartbreaking and reassuring all at the same time. Heartbreaking to know so many women are struggling and reassuring to know you are not on your own.
One of the hardest things to manage is our heart when this particular relationship is not working. I think every mother and daughter to create this perfect image of the idyllic mum and daughter relationship.
When it is not working you can both find yourself with an overwhelming feeling of failure and disappointment which then clouds all the communications?
I remember when I had reached my lowest moment with my daughter I really thought we could never ever return to a healthy relationship. Even though I had coached many families, when it came to my own daughter and my own heart I quickly lost sight of what was working.
I lost confidence in my decisions and I stopped communicating consistently and effectively.
I remember one day she said “why can’t you be like other mums?” I then asked her “Tell me what you mean by other mums, how would you like me to be?”
My logic was if I understood what she was measuring me against then I could tell her whether I could be like that or not and why.
At this moment she could not articulate what she meant she became frustrated and angry and yet another phase of silence pursued. (You remember that feeling don’t you? When you are unhappy and you know what you don’t want but you just can’t articulate what you do want)
I learned from this that if she could not tell me what kind of mum she wanted and I could not say what kind of mum I wanted to be then we would be stuck yet again.
I decided that I had to be clear about what kind of mum I wanted to be. I had to be clear whether I was happy with the decisions I had made and I had to be stronger.
One of the questions I use to focus my attention on this kind of solution is:
When I am ……at my best I am like what? You can add in their being the best daughter, wife, husband, client or even boss. For the sake of this particular challenge I chose:
When I am being the best mum I can be I am like what?
I noticed that I was more patient, more caring and showed my love in the way she needed it rather than the way that felt comfortable for me.
I like doing things for her and she like cuddles and time on the sofa which for me feels like I am just wasting time. (Funny enough my husband also feels loved if I sit with him on the sofa too)
So I started to spend more time showing love in the way that worked for her and I also became much clearer about how I showed love. I explained when I pick you up and run you around, when I decorate your bedroom, cook you dinner, buy your favourite foods etc, that is how I show my love.
I noticed also that I had to have more confidence in my decisions and I had to know without doubt that it was a good decision. This gave me more confidence to stand by my beliefs and values. Once I was confident in my own decisions and I respected hers I noticed a big change in our relationship.
This new confidence inside meant my daughter now knew where she stood I did not waiver on what was right for me. I learned to express it I did it in a loving caring way with no anger or blame.
I did not achieve this instantly but the more I focused on it the better I became.
If you would like to find out more about how to manage yourself in order to manage her. Please don’t miss this event.
Sheryl Andrews Communication Coach
Giving you the tools to manage yourself time and others