How to make a good decision about your response?
You know that moment when you have one hundred emotions running through your body. Your head becomes a fog and you can’t think clearly. Your stomach might even feel like a washing machine on full spin.
In that moment what do you want him to do or say?
Take a moment ladies to consider that response while I chat to the gents.
How do you make a good decision about your response?
You are watching and listening, she is either really withdrawn and has a really sad face or she is stropping a little. Perhaps the best china is looking a little vulnerable she places them down a little heavier than normal, maybe doors are slammed or a heavy slump on the sofa but you are generally getting a sense something is wrong.
What happens next?
Is part of you wondering what did I do wrong and the other part is thinking what can I do?
Past experience tells you that no matter what you do or say it is likely to cause more upset for her.
Yet you can’t hold it back, you just have to suggest something. You might tell that she is lovely or that it will be fine or even tell her what she could do to make it better.
(Even though you don’t really know what is wrong)
You have this overwhelming desire inside you to take the pain away from the person you love and even though you know on a logical level this approach won’t work you do it anyway.
Sound familiar so far?
Ladies and Gents
So Ladies if your approach is not getting you what you want and Gents your approach is not getting you what you want, what would you like to have happen?
Focus on the outcome you want and do not focus on the problem. I know this is hard the brain is hard wired to problem solve but humour me for a moment.
Ladies do not focus on the fact he is NOT doing or saying what you want. Focus on what you would like to have happen? Then notice how you need to behave and communicate to get what you want.
Gents do not focus on the fact she is upset and you want to fix it. Focus on when you fix it then what happens?
A great question to switch your focus from problem to solution is:
What would I like to have happen?
Write down your response.
Notice if you write down what you want or what you don’t want and keep going until you write what you want.
Now the response will vary but in general it goes something like this;
I want him to understand me, support me and listen to me
I want to make her happy.
So what stops this from happening is the lady is focused on what he is not doing and he is focused on solving the problem of not being happy rather than focusing on happy.
Notice what happens if you focus on what you would like to have happen?
When ladies you want him to understand you and support you and listen to you. What works? Whether you tap into past experience or you imagine what is required what works for him to understand, support and listen?
When you want her to be happy, what works? From past experience or your imagination what works?
Now you know what you need to be, say and or do.
What needs to happen for that to happen?
The truth is for many of you right now the awareness will be enough and it will happen. For others you will know on a logical level what needs to happen but something just sets the old behaviour off on auto pilot.
If you are the latter please do check out our events and find out how to set others up to give you feedback that helps and how to improve your listening skills.
For more information and to book click here
We look forward to sharing with you more top tips to improve communications.
Sheryl Andrews Communication Coach
Changing the way the world listens